Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
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