could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Randomize
