Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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