Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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