Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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