I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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