I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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