Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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