I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I stole a fireplace last night.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
