I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
