I looked at my own cervix.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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