i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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