i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I AM VODKA MAN
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
