Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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