I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize