I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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