I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
