Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
