U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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