Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
