My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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