Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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