I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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