I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
