My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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