It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
