The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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