Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
