You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
