I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
