i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
