6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
