You smell like a Billy Joel song
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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