What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
