Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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