i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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