I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
