i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
