I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
