I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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