I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
