I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
