his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
