you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
