I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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