Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
