Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
