I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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