I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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