At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
