2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
