Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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