So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize
