i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Barsexuality is the new black.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
