Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
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