i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
