I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
