it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
