my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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